Wednesday, 23 July 2014

No Decisions Please, I’m A British ‘New Man’…

Stuart Heritage is driven to angst by….charity tokens. Yes. Really.
You're supposed to put these tokens in one of three boxes, each representing an individual cause. Conservatively, I must have spent a third of my life slumped in front of these boxes, agonising over which cause to pick. Should I give it to the dilapidated care home or the local postnatal unit? There's one here collecting money for beehives. Who do I like more, babies or old people? I certainly won't give my token to the beekeepers. But what about the documentary I saw that said we'll all die if the bees go extinct? Perhaps my token would do more good there. Yeah. That's what I'll do. Screw you, premature babies. God, did I really just think, "Screw you, premature babies"? I'm an awful person. On and on and on it goes. Eventually, withered and hungry, I'll give up. I'll press the token into a stranger's hand. "You look like a kindly fellow," I'll croak. "I trust you to make the right decision."
What a man of action you are!
It's also, broadly speaking, my attitude towards voting.
Well, I’m surprised. Not.
Call me naive, but it seems sensible to assume that an MP would be better at making important decisions than me.
Really? Well, actually, you may have a point. Frankly, I don’t think there’s much in it though!
I don't think I'm alone in thinking this, which is why Nigel Farage's newfound love affair with referendums is doomed to failure. This week, Farage declared that a Ukip government would hold regular public referendums for everything from foreign affairs to housing schemes. Direct democracy, he calls it. A massive pain, I call it.
Of course you do – thinking’s hard. Better to get someone to do it for you. Relieve you of that terrible burden of responsibility.
…really, I don't want that much of a say. Nobody does. That's what elections are for. An election is a genius act of delegation. I don't want to spend the next five years embarking on an in-depth series of work and pension spending reviews. That's why I went to the trouble of picking a representative to do it for me.
Hey, I want a say. So do lots of people. You speak for them about as well as those ‘representatives’ you seem to favour speak for….well, for you.

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Another Progressive Demands ‘Diversity’ Be ‘Conformity’…

Julie Bindel, that is.
When I was a young lesbian feminist campaigning to overthrow patriarchy, what irked me most was the fact that some men would impose their own idiotic view of my sexuality on me, by asking if I would perform threesomes with them, or titillate them with a porny kissing display with my girlfriend.
Presumably after a good skinful? They’d need it, Gawd knows…
Today it would seem that, for a number of lesbians, dissatisfaction and anger at being viewed as a male sex toy has been replaced with the desire to become as badly behaved as they are, paradoxically in the name of equality. Last week the Washington Times reported that a lesbian, Tamara Yatkin, who was refused entry to a California strip club because she was not accompanied by a man, is suing the owners for discrimination on the grounds of gender and sexual orientation.
Well, yes. Shouldn’t this be welcomed by you?
I have no doubt that Yatkin was denied entry because of her gender and sexuality, and, in both law and principle, that makes it discrimination. But how have we got to a situation where some of us are trying to enter such bastions of male privilege rather than campaign against the sexual exploitation of women?
Because we aren’t all the same, and don’t all think alike?

We have free will, and that means we get to choose what concepts like ‘equality’ mean for us, rather than conform?
Is liberation tantamount to behaving like some lesbian version of Hugh Heffner? In these times of "choice feminism" and neoliberalism, it seems that the very basis of our political movement is being eroded and replaced with an "anything goes" attitude.
How very terrible. But…didn’t all the boring old straights feel that way when you came on the scene?

So…suck it up. Life is change.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Errrr, No. It’s Not At All ‘Unforseeable’…

Richard Taylor, senior coroner for East Lancashire, recorded a conclusion of death by misadventure. He said: “This is a completely unforeseeable set of circumstances that have arisen here. ”
What? It’s not like it hasn’t happened many times before, is it?
“Companies should give proper guidance as to how these chemicals should be stored and named.”
They do. Do you think these sorts of people bothered to read it?
“In this case, it appears that the person who decanted it has done for good reasons - to share it. ”
It’s never a good idea to put toxic liquid in a drinks bottle, is it?

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Gawd Bless 'Silly Season'...

Mrs Lonnon, who has been on safari twice, said she thought the cat looked like a leopard but that details were difficult to remember as she was so scared.
I take it by 'on safari', she means with Thompson Holidays, not trophy hunting with Ivan Carter?
Mr Tully believes he did not see a leopard. He said: “It didn’t look like a leopard, it was sleeker and smaller.
“It looked like a dirty puma to me.”
Thank god he didn't use 'cougar'. I hate to think the images that would have conjured up!
“It was the size of a puma but it had markings on.”
“My wife told me it must have been a big dog, but its movements were definitely those of a cat. I saw it for at least five seconds.”
I'd listen to your wife, if I was you. That's always sound advice.

Grammar - I'm Not Lovin' It...



What happened to plurals..?

Sunday Funnies...

Surely No 1 being 'It's not a very good idea'..?

Saturday, 19 July 2014

The Simple Answer Is ‘No’…

One resident asked officers: “Can you assure us there will be no reprisals? We have to live around here. These people come in from London, but we live here. Can you guarantee our safety?”
Well, when the police can’t even bring themselves to be honest about the motives of those involved…
Sgt Gary Lane said police were trying to find out why the men were in Southend. He added: “We don’t know why they were there.”
Ah, go on! Take a wild guess…
Hassan, 26, known as Big Hass, was stabbed twice on Monday, July 7, in York Road, Southend.
The well known red light district, you mean? The well-known place to buy (or sell) drugs? Gosh. How surprising…
Police said they had taken the unusual step to get special powers to carry out stop and searches on anyone in the area for six days and increased patrols.
Given the demographic involved here, then that must have given a few police diversity officers heart failure…

Your Portfolio Doesn’t Stretch That Far, Andrew…

Pendle MP Andrew Stephenson has called for a ‘full, independent inquiry’ into clashes between police and protesters
In Pendle? Blimey, I missed that..!
… in Lahore that has left eight people dead.
Errr…
Mr Stephenson was invited to Friday prayers last week at the Jamia Masjid Minhaj-ul-Quran Mosque, in Brunswick Street, Nelson, to talk about the incident.
That’s nice. Are there any other ‘communities’ that would like to invite an MP to take up foreign issues with the PM, I wonder?

Friday, 18 July 2014

Read My Lips…. No. More. LAWS!

Publishing sexually explicit pictures of former partners – known as "revenge pornography" – could soon become a crime, the justice secretary has said.


Chris Grayling said the government was very open to having a serious discussion about the practice with a view to taking appropriate action when parliament returns from the summer recess.
Then clearly, government has too much time on its hands. Time that could be better spent elsewhere.
The former culture secretary Maria Miller has called for a change in the law to tackle the "appalling" practice, suggesting the criminal justice and courts bill, currently being considered by parliament, could be the vehicle for it.

The Liberal Democrats have also called for legislation. An early day motion by the Lib Dem MP Julian Huppert tabled this week noted that "whilst the images are often taken with full consent, their dissemination is not".
So, it seems the issue is rather simple - if you don’t want pictures of you making the beast with two backs with your ex hitting the net, then: a) make sure you remain on good terms with your ex (maybe even vet the men/women you sleep with rather carefully, if that’s not too much trouble), or b) don’t take such pictures in the first place.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

The Power Now Wielded By The Single-Issue Loons…

The furore began when Richman posted an Instagram photo with the caption: "Had ordered this suit from a Saville Row tailor over a year ago. Think I'm gonna need to take it in a little …" He added the hashtag #thinspiration.
A fairly harmless Tweet? Whoa, not so fast! There’s always some loon with an agenda and time on his or her hands to make a drama out of the least little thing…
One Instagram user criticised him for using the tag, saying it "glorifies negative media self-imagery that being thin is better as opposed to any other body style" (the term can be used on social networks and blogs to celebrate unnecessary and unhealthy weight loss).
To say Richman responded ‘robustly’ to this is…well. See for yourself:
Richman responded by writing "DILLIGAF", which means "Does it look like I give a fuck?" To other critics he wrote, "Oh eat a bag of shit, dummy. No apology is coming. If it inspires someone to attain a healthy thinner body then that was what it was meant to do. Only fuckup it seems was your dad's choice to go without a condom," and "grab a razor blade and draw a bath. I doubt anyone will miss you."
I for one applaud you (despite the fact your show often makes me feel nauseaous).

But of course, such defiance of the single-issue whackjob’s pet cause cannot go unpunished, and the now-infamous Twitterstorm descended, as the original aggrieved party roped in all their fellow loons to punish the unbeliever.

And inevitably, Richman backed down.
The comments have since been deleted, as have Richman's subsequent apologies, where he wrote: "I've responded to internet hate recently with vile words directed at those hating me. I am sorry, I should know better & will do better."
It didn’t help.
Now the Travel Channel, which was due to air his new show, has postponed the airing of his new show. The network has not commented on its reasons for the decision, instead stating simply: "Travel Channel is postponing the July 2 series premiere of Man Finds Food."

Richman has made another public apology, issuing a statement to ABC News: "I've long struggled with my body image and have worked very hard to achieve a healthy weight. I'm incredibly sorry to everyone I've hurt."
You haven’t ‘hurt’ anyone (except maybe yourself). These people are not ‘hurt’, they are simply ideological opportunists who know that if they make enough of a fuss, they can – and will - really hurt certain others where it counts. In the pocket.

All for expressing an opinion they don’t agree with.

Free speech now seems to belong only to those without something to lose by expressing it.