Tuesday, 6 December 2016

You Don't 'Fall Into Crime'...

...any more than you 'fall pregnant'. It's a consequence arising from a deliberate choice:
Lucy Sweetland, mitigating, said Holden came from a good family and his mother was a vicar, but he had fallen into crime because of drug addiction.
She said: “He is acutely aware of the distress he has caused the victim.”
You mean, you are, and have told him what to say?
Miss Sweetland asked for Holden to be given another chance but Judge David Pugh said his 22 previous convictions for 40 offences counted against him.
He said: “There is greater harm in that there was the loss of items of sentimental value, but I am not satisfied that the degree of premeditation was significant in this case.”
He added: “You have a history of failing to comply with court orders. Unfortunately that history catches up with you today.”
Sadly, not in the way he deserves to have it catch up on him...
Holden was jailed for 12 months for the burglary and an additional one month for failing to turn up to a previous hearing.
*sighs*

It's All Going Down In Vange..!

Emergency response officers were called to Clay Hill Road, Vange, after several members of the public reported 40 people were fighting in the street with weapons.
Blimey! Must have been like the rumble scene in 'West Side Story' (minus the singing).
A man suffered a fractured nose and cuts and bruises to his head and face after he was struck with a children’s slide during a mass brawl.
Errr... Scratch that. More like the scene where the Avengers throw down with Loki's forces in New York.
PC Marek Jaworski, from Basildon’s community policing team (Ed: Oh, hai!), urged witnesses and anyone with information to get in touch as the attackers are still at large.
He said: “We originally got a call to reports of a fight involving 40 people with weapons near to Vange Hill Drive.
“A second call then came in to say that a man had been seriously injured in a fight.
“Our understanding is that there was a misunderstanding between a large group of people and he became injured. We still don’t know who is responsible for the attack.”
Really?

Monday, 5 December 2016

So, There's At Least 400 Cretins....

....wait, my mistake. 402:
The family of Lexi Branson, who was mauled to death by the family dog, are campaigning for "Lexi's Law" to stop the same thing happening again.
To stop chavs buying dogs? Good luck with that!
They want the law changed so in future people will have the right to know whether dogs might be dangerous.
We've been here before. And what I said back then applies once more.
Victoria Whiteman, Lexi's aunt, started an online petition on the UK Parliament website and so far nearly 400 people have signed it.
That's all? That's bugger all in lazy social media click-a-link terms!
The kennel warned Jodi that Mulan was not suitable for being around toddlers because of his tendency to jump up, but she bought him anyway.
What neither Jodi nor the kennel knew was that Mulan's previous owner had got rid of him because he had attacked another dog, leaving the owner fearing for his children's safety.
But he told the authorities Mulan was a stray so the dog would be taken off his hands.
What are they supposed to do, run a lie detector on people?

To Get Caught Once Is Unfortunate...

Hina Patel of Cornford Close in Portslade will have to pay up £1,150 after pleading guilty to intent to deceive using a parking device, namely a disabled blue badge.
She initially pleaded not guilty after being summoned to Brighton Magistrates' Court on October 19.
Well, anyone can make a mistake....
Ms Patel initially told The Argus she did not want to comment but did say the blue badge use was "an accident" and "a human thing".
See, it's easy to do, and what's the big deal, anyway?
The 40-year-old, who confirmed she used to work for Nationwide Building Society, said her day in court was "a very hard day", adding, "It's not [like] I killed someone."
She's learned her lesson, and...

Oh.
She was previously prosecuted for misuse of a blue badge on May 15 last year when she was given a £300 fine and ordered to pay £350 costs and a £30 victim surcharge.
/facepalm
A friend of Ms Patel, who did not want to be named, said: "She's really distressed. She has a lot of things going on in her life. She's obviously upset."
Well, clearly! Time to relieve her of some of the things she finds so confusing. Like access to Blue Badges.

Saturday, 3 December 2016

There Can Be Few More Obvious Warning Signs...

...than this sort of headline:


You know you're in for a chavtastic article!
The Hammers fan was carried in by eight loved ones, some of who wore football shirts with “Voycey” written across the back, to the tune of I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles.
Leading the service, Jay Belshaw described how mourners felt “robbed and angry” about the 23-year-old’s untimely death following a collision in Gidea Park earlier this month.
 Hmmmm....
He touched the lives of so many people,” he said. “To have so many people here to pay their respects is a wonderful tribute.
“We will find the world a poorer place without him.”
Well, he did indeed 'touch the lives' of many people. I somehow think they weren't all happy about this, though.  They may even believe the world was a poorer place with him in it...
Jay raised a laugh when he recalled how as a teenager Craig had started a new school only to be expelled after one day for punching the deputy headteacher.
 I...

I just...

Is that really appropriate at a funeral?

Or was he planning to use it at the stag do, should the 'cheeky chappie' ever get around to marrying the woman he knocked up, and didn't want it to go to waste?
He also described how the “cheeky chappy” had set fire to a van in order to get the attention of Danielle Eyles, who went on to become his fiancĂ©e and the mother of his children.
Oh, Christ, stop! My sides! It's like something from 'The Daily Mash'!
In a heartfelt speech written by Danielle and read by a family friend on her behalf, she described how many saw Craig as “a loveable rogue”, but noted that the man who came home to her at night “had a soft side” and emjoyed sharing sweets with Rocky-Lee, five, Craig Junior, two, and Summer-Rose, one, while watching TV.
The gap between Rocky-Lee and Craig Junior must have been while he was behind bars!

Given the 'celebrity' connection in this hit & run, I suspect the trial might prove even more interesting...

I Look Forward To You Raiding The Bank Of England, Then....

Pubs on Canvey have been given a stark warning that they could have their licences revoked after officers discovered cocaine in one establishment’s toilets.
Yes, clearly, it makes sense to punish the venue for what the customers do. After all, the police seem to have got away with blaming football clubs, so why not extend it to pubs?
Chief Insp Glen Westley, district commander for Castle Point, said: “We did some licensed premises checks with the council by carrying out drop-in inspections.
“When we found cocaine in the toilets, we gave them an action plan to improve.
To improve what, exactly, the cleaning rota?
“This is the beginning of a process with our licence holders to hold them to account.
They aren't breaking the law. Their customers are. Why don't you hold them to account, instead?
“Obviously it is a criminal offence to have cocaine and we don’t know whose it was because it could have been there for weeks, but we want to make sure the licence holders do something about it if they are suspicious.
That word 'if' is doing a lot of work there. Maybe they aren't suspicious. Maybe these traces are so small they can't even be detected unless it's with your equipment!

Something publicans shouldn't be expected to fork out for...
“If it happens again, there are laws to get licences removed. I am not saying this will happen but it is something we can consider.
“We are hot on their toes.
So you can't catch the real criminals, but you'll make life unpleasant for those who you claim facilitate it?

Well...